The Storms of Life

The Storms of Life

I have dreaded writing this next blog entry.  I have tried to avoid it and put it off.  I feel like I am ready to delve into the deep murky waters of my heart and put this into print.  I hope that by sharing this I can help to heal, not only myself but maybe others who have gone on a similar tempest tossed ride.  

This story starts over 2 years ago, when my husband and I felt led to seek the Lord regarding our fertility and family size.  We were both convicted that we took that decision away from God and demanded our own way in this area of our lives.  We have struggled with how to make that right and decided to seek a vasectomy reversal.  We got pregnant but miscarried and my womb has been closed since.  We started talking about adoption about  a year and a half ago.  I was quite hesitant as I wanted to feel a child growing inside me again, feel the sweetness of nursing and all that pregnancy and motherhood entails.    I began to seek the Lord regarding adoption and felt like my prayers were in confirmation of this being the way we should go.  My husband read a book by Russell Moore called Adopted for Life.  His first take on the book was that all Christians need to be adopting.  He felt like it was our duty to do so and that was what prompted his initial desire to adopt.  We prayed asking for confirmation and through sermons, meeting people who had adopted or were in the process of adopting and fostering.  These all seemed to confirm that this is the path God was leading us on.  So we began praying about the agency and met a new family visiting our church who had recently switched to a new agency and we decided to start the process.  It was begun around March/April and we finished with all the classes in Aug/Sept.

  We received a call and met and agreed to bring home Ellie and Jonathan.  3 1/2 year old girl and 12 month old boy.  Siblings who had been removed from a neglectful home and had been in foster care for the previous 10 months.  Their names were actually Keather and Roy but we had desired to give them names with a special meaning Ellie (God has answered) Jonathan (Gift of God).  The first few weeks started out rather easy as far as the children's behaviour and personalities.  However, I was just not able to sleep from the few days before we met them.  No matter what I tried, I was either not able to fall asleep, or stay asleep.  I felt like a mom of a newborn.  I couldn't function and began to get very emotional, weepy and overwhelmed.  I was literally fighting thought for thought against Satan's attacks on my mind.  I was quoting all the scripture that I had memorized (which sadly wasn't much...convicted of needing to strengthen this area of my life) in my mind day and night.  I was filled with all sorts of doubts, and fears and constantly asking my family if they were ok with how things were going and would we be able to do this and make this work.  It seems like everyone was cool with the new adjustments but me.  So I bucked up and pushed through.  However after the honeymoon wore off we began to see Ellie's real colors.  She began to be quite defiant, uncontrollable and unable to be disciplined.  I wont' go into all the details of that behavior, I believe I have hashed that out on the previous blog, but it will suffice to say that I was at my wits end.  My husband prayed over us daily, we quoted scripture, we were more consistent in our discipline than ever before.  Nothing was working.  I was continuing to decline mentally with no sleep and no improvement in the behavior.  I was literally becoming fearful that I could not ever help or handle this child.  Then my husband and I talked and had a family meeting with our biological children and it was decided that we should not adopt these children after all.  Most of my children admitted to missing some things the way they were before and that the whole household was focused on Ellie because her behavior was so unpredictable that we all had to be on watch at all times!  We never knew from day to day what child we were going to have.  Her mood and behavior was so erratic and unpredictable that we didn't know what to do.  I was immediately relieved when we decided that as hard as it was, we couldn't continue and keep the integrity of our family in place.  I finally slept a bit better that night the decision was made.  I called the agency a few days later and put the disruption process into motion.  I encouraged them to separate the children because I was fearful that Jonathan would begin mimicking Ellie's poor behavior and she might hurt him, because she had no conscience.  She was not attached to him at all, only feigned affection to manipulate and get what she wanted.  Thankfully, the CPS worker decided it would be in his best interest.  The previous foster mom had expressed to me from day one that if she had been given the option to adopt only him, she would have and desired to.  So, while he wasn't the behavior issue, I felt God prompting me to let him go too and trust it was for the best of these kids.  Foster mom took Jonathan and Ellie went to a group home.  We were all so relieved but also sad and empty.  We missed them both.  

It has been over 5 months since they left and I still miss them.  My daughter cries over the loss of these siblings.  She prays for them as do I  and we continue to trust their care to the Lord.  There are times when I have an especially strong pain in my heart as I mourn the loss of these children who I had claimed to be mine.  Was I wrong to send them away?  Was I weak to let them go?  I struggled for the longest time with the question was my fear, anxiety, sleeplessness from God or Satan?  I know God does not tempt us and doesn't torment us; but it seems like once I gave up, it all became clear and easy again.  So did Satan win this round?  Was he fighting me for these children?  Some will say yes.  I don't really know.  All I know is that I have to cling to the knowledge that I serve a Sovereign God who loves me no matter what I can or can't do.  No matter if my faith is small this time, no matter if I seek ease over work.  It is all part of my sanctification.  I know that all children are part of our sanctification.  I cheated though, because I called it quits.  I still have this inner struggle from time to time, I know God is working out his best in me and one day I will stand victorious before his throne because of Christ and nothing in me.  Until then, this will be a very painful lesson being worked out inside me.

A few months after this we met with our Pastor and his wife for counsel.  They are awesome and very supportive of large families and encourage the body of Christ to raise children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  But at one point our pastor's wife said, if this was not a true burden placed on the husband with deep conviction to carry it out, then it was probably not the best choice for us right now.  Wes and I had just talked before meeting with them and I asked him why he felt led to adopt in the first place.  He stated as I wrote above that he felt called more out of a sense of duty than conviction.  We had also had an opportunity placed before us just before we sought counsel.  The foster mom decided that she was not going to be able to commit to adopting Jonathan after all and wondered if we would consider taking him back.  I was immediately excited and thrilled and ready to take him back.  But I knew I needed to submit to my husband and seek the Lord above all things.  Wes had some hesitations.  He said he had recently listened to the audio version of the Adopted for Life book mentioned earlier and this time he heard different things that gave him pause about whether or not we were really the best candidates to adopt.  He felt like there were some areas of concern.  I did not push, coerce or try to talk him into adopting this little guy, even though its what my heart wanted. However, once I realized that my husband didn't come to this decision out of conviction, I knew I shouldn't manipulate him to come to this now.  We decided to pass on the opportunity trusting that God had other plans for him and us.  

My husband was convicted of the fact that he didn't spend as much time in prayer and searching the Scriptures before making this decision for our family.  He said I was allowed to share this, so that he would be held accountable to the next major life changing decision he made as other believers could check in with him.  I realized after all was said and done that had my husband truly been convicted about this ministry in the way he should have been, he would have fought to keep these kids, to work out a way to get help for the behavior issues, to encourage us to seek counsel before ditching the whole thing.  I know he was desiring to protect me from the the hurting and exhaustion. I love that he is such an awesome protector and provider.  We are both learning and growing as we better understand sanctification.

I did notice that through this process my husband had a great passion for wanting Christians to fix the flawed system.  He would get angry about the teaching materials in the classes we attended and how worldly they were.  There was no real Biblical Parenting being taught.  The system ties your hands in areas of importance and the system makes the good guys out to be bad guys while the bad guys are pampered and forgiven time after time when they are absolutely undeserving of being entrusted to the care of these precious children.  The Christians should have been diligently caring for the orphans as we are commanded but we got lazy and let it slip into the hands of the state and now the system is so corrupt that foster children become victims and forever victims as they are treated as helpless victims that must depend on the state and they go straight from foster care to welfare and repeat the cycle with their own children.  It doesn't work, it is broken!  Pray for reform in this area!  Pray for these precious children who are pawns in a government game of money and corruption.  Maybe the Lord will lead my husband to encourage reform in this area of our government.

I think we have learned that adoption is one of many ministries God commands believers to be a part of.  However, just as we are not all called to the mission field, we are not all called to adopt.  Just like missions, some are needed to pray, to finance, to support and encourage, and some do the work.  We are all commanded to be a part, but not the same part.  We will be praying about this ministry and exactly where God wants us to be a part.  One day the Lord may place this on my husband's heart and give him a strong conviction and desire to adopt.  I will wait for that time or serve in other capacities as we pray for the orphans.

We also know that the timing of our decision to not adopt, was ordained by God in that when we made the decision, some dear friends of ours found out that the 35 year old husband had an aggressive form of cancer needing aggressive treatment with chemotherapy and radiation. We were the only ones qualified to assist this family with childcare as they had 3 foster children and 2 bio children.  We were able to assist them with care while they were fighting this fight.  I know Gods timing is perfect in all things and this was another blessing to us that we could serve in this manner.  I actually told my husband that while I had the foster children, I felt like my ability to minister to young moms by helping babysit was gone.  I missed it, I desired to be useful and helpful to others in this capacity.  This provided an opportunity for our family to serve while this family faced trials, and uncertainty.  I am proud to be their "Aunt Lori"!  I am also thankful that God delivered our friend from Cancer!

Just this last week, I heard from the foster mom and she informed me that a childless couple who had both been adopted themselves, were matched to Jonathan and would be an adoptive placement.  Biological parents had both terminated their rights and they are both free to be adopted.  I am glad his story is ending well.  He will be loved and cared for in a safe happy home.  I still pray for Ellie, she is on major psychotropic medications to control her behavior (something I refused to do).  She is a paycheck to the lady who runs the group home.  I pray God will deliver her from this situation and the strongholds that Satan has over her.  There is obvious spiritual warfare going on with this little girl.  So much that it actually frightened me.  I know God is more powerful than Satan but spiritual warfare is real, is strong and not for the fainthearted.  I pray for more strength and wisdom in this area but felt absolutely over my head in my knowledge and abilities to help this little girl.  

God showed me that my pride needed to be removed and this was the most humiliating thing I have ever had to endure.  Telling, family, friends, church that we were throwing in the towel and giving up.  I felt like a coward and wanted to crawl into a hole and die.  But I was loved, encouraged and lifted up in such an amazing way.  I know God is merciful beyond words and that his grace extends to the undeserving.  I am blessed beyond all comprehension.  

I trust He has taken us through this for our own good and His glory!  I know that I may never fully understand all the purpose of this trial and experience.  However, I am much more sensitive to those going through this process, I can pray deeply for those dealing with anxiety, I can humble myself when I think I can do a better job than someone else.  I am a worthless sinner at the mercy of a loving and gracious heavenly father.  I am right where I am supposed to be.  Growing, learning, being sanctified.